Chocobo in a thong
by Shiima
Summary: When Cloud's manliness gets challenged by Yuffie, suggesting that he is gay, he does what he believes every manly man does to show his virility. But it's difficult to prove that you're not gay when a very attractive man stands just behind the counter.


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**Disclaimer! **_**I don't own Kingdoms Heart and neither do I own Squall/Leon nor Cloud and I certainly don't own The Red Light district!**_

**Warnings! **_**Some language, adult themes and an OOC Chocobo.**_

_(AN: Hello everybody! This is my first official fan fiction! :D If you would spare me a second or two to review that would make me very happy! ~ I got cookies! ;D)_

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I was practically running down the unfamiliar street because of my currently livid state of mind. It was close to sundown already and for most people it meant finishing dinner and tucking in their children but for the people here in the Red Light District it meant waking up for the first time today, drowning in cheap booze and let the partying begin. Or atleast so I thought, I wouldn't know since I've never been to this place before.

_Damn that Yuffie!_

_If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here! And I would still be straight! Or... straighter... I mean if it wasn't until her endless nagging about me being gay that I even __**considered**__ it(Not honestly at least...)._

_Now I'm all confused because of stupid Yuffie with her;_

"_If you're not gay then why do you spend more time in the bathroom than Aerith fixing your hair, Cloud?" _(_What? Does she think I got spikey hair in a can?! These babies take time for crying out loud!)_

_And;_

"_Do straight men really use that much mascara, Cloud?" (Again, what?! I just wanna look good, nothing wrong there.)_

_And her;_

"_Stop dancing around in my underwear, Cloud!" (Tsk, they looked way better on me than on her.)_

_Well, whatever. I've had it! Today is the day that I'm going to prove her wrong. I'm going to go to one of the many places where every __manly__ man goes to show off his masculinity._

_To the Adult toy store!!_

After walking running for a good 20 minutes I finally arrived at the adress I had found on the internet. I looked up to stare at the sign that was lit up in strong neon light and flashed quickly in so many different colors that I felt like I would get a seizure if I stared at it for too long. _Yes, this is definitly the place._ As I grabbed hold of the gold-plated doorknob, suddenly the awkwardness and skittishness of the situation settled in on me for the first time. _Oh my god, what if someone I know is in there and sees me?! Cid for example... He does seem like one of those pervs who would go to these sorts of places... You know... Like the kind of perv I'm now... Crap..._

I just stood there for god knows how long, frozen, with my hand still on the doorknob.

A sudden clearing of the throat behind me made me jump and come back to reality.

"What?!" I yell at the person who almost made me poop myself and half turn around to glare at him. As I turned around I noticed that while I had stood frozen before the door a whole line of people had gathered behind me, probably waiting to get in, and was now glaring at me with full force. It looked like they were trying to make him move with only their eyes, and possibly mindcontrol...

After mumbling a barely audible "sorry" I finally opened the door and went inside.

_Now what? How do I prove my virility?_

I glanced around the lobby hoping to find the answer. The room was barely lit and smoky. The purple walls were covered in erotic posters and had several passages, separated from the lobby by black curtains, with different signs above them telling the costumer what to find in the different rooms. The rooms that got most of my attention had the signs "Toys", "Leather gear" and "Movies".

I glanced from sign to sign, trying to decide which of the rooms that I should explore first, when my eyes suddenly fell on the most gorgeus woman I had ever seen, sitting behind the counter. She had thick chocolate brown hair in shoulder lenght, the most beutiful bluegrey eyes that strangely reminded me of a storm and she was clad in a just a t-shirt, a leather jacket decorated with fur around the collar with a pair of matching leather pants.

I felt like I stood there forever, just letting my lustfull gaze rest on that beutiful creature behind the counter that seemed to be browsing through a random magazine rather tiresome.

_Ha...! IN YOUR FACE YUFFIE! I knew I wasn't gay! I'm totally attracted to that woman! ... Damn, she's so-_

"-beautiful..."

_Oops, did I just say that last part out loud?! _

I probably did because shortly after the statement had left my lips the brunette raised her eyes from the magazine with cat-like grace and met mine.

"Excuse me?"

_Woah, what a nice deep voice she has! Impressive! Wait a second... Deep voice...?_

"You're a dude?!_" _I blurt out before I manage to stop myself.

The wom- I mean the_**man**_returns my statement with a dirty look.

"Sorry to disappoint you" he says coldly and changes the page of his magazine roughly, nearly tearing the page apart before he quickly redirects his attention to it like it was the most intresting thing in the world.

_Oh, shit! I didn't mean to offend her- I mean HIM! But oh god I'm still ridiculously attracted to him... Maybe I am gay..._

"Ah! NO! No! No! I didn't mean it like that!" I say hurridly as I walk up to the counter.

_He ignores me and keeps reading the magazine. Since I hate being ignored, I frown at him and drop_ my head in defeat. As I do manages to get a glimpse of the magazine the brunette is reading.

It's not one of those dirty magazines that they sell at the store but seems to be about weapons. The man on the other side seems to be reading an article about something called a "Gunblade". _Never heard of it before but by the look of the picture it looks pretty darn cool!_

"You like weapons?" I say suprised, hoping to catch the brunette's attention again. After waiting for what must have been over a minute without getting an answer I opened my mouth to try with another question, seeing that the last one was ignored, when he suddenly interrupts me.

"Yes... I do" he said and looked once again up from the magazine. Babyblue eyes intoxicated with mako met greyblue ones and for a moment I was mesmerised with the storm that seemed to live inside the eyes of the brunette.

I swallowed thickly, hoping he wouldn't notice the strange bobbing of my Adams apple as I did._ C'mon, you have to break the ice! Don't just stand there, say something! ANYTHING!_

"...So I'm gay" _Anything but __**that**__, you idiot!!_

The brunette looked at him like he had grown a second head for a moment.

"Good for you" he then said in the same stoic way as before and continued to read his magazine. _'Good for you'...? What's that supposed to mean?!_

"Um... So how about you?" I felt persistent to keep the conversation going. For once I _**wanted**_ to talk to a person and I wasn't about to let that one person get away that easily. This time it took a while longer before an answer. If it wasn't for the fact that I've done the same thing to countless of people over the years I would've said that he was pretty dense. But the unnatural long intervals between answers and lack of words in the sentences had most likely nothing to do with intelligence. It was the typical behaviour of a loner. A behaviour that I am very familliar with.

"... Yeah" he finally spoke up, without letting his eyes leave the magazine though. _Yeah? Yeah, what? 'Yeah, I'm gay'? 'Yeah, I have sexuality'? 'Yeah, feel free to take me over the counter'?_

"Are you gonna buy something?"

"Huh? Oh! Ah... N-no, not right now! It's just that..." I said nervously and rubbed the back of my head anxiously. _C'mon! Talk to him! Get it togheter and start another topic for conversation and who knows... maybe I get lucky~ _

"...I-it's just that..." _You've said that already you dork! C'mon! If you could beat a guy like Sephirot than you sure as hell can get this guy into bed with you! You're __**Cloud**__, you can do anything! _

"It's just that I saw you reading this magazine and was wondering which it was since I've never seen it before and trust me I've seen them_**all!**_ Because I'm a huge sword fanatic and I've got a huge sword to prove it!" _It's great that I managed to get past that nervous wreck-stage but now I'm babbling instead... He's looking at me all wierd now... Aww, he just inclined his head to the right alittle in confusion like a lost little puppy! That's so fucking adorable! Mommy, can we keep him?!_

"So... Long story short... What's that magazine you're reading called?" I pointed at the magazine, his eyes followed my finger down to the magazine and then up to my eyes again. He closed the magazine and showed me the front page. It had the words 'Weapons Monthly' in big fancy letters on the top of the magazine.

"It's called 'Weapons Monthly'" He said when I didn't say anything and just stared dumbfounded on the magazine. _Well, duh... I'm not blind! _

"Do you want me?" _H-huh? WHAT?! Did he really-... Oh, what the heck!_

"R-really? You mean that? It's that easy? I mean, YEAH! Definitly!" _I love the Red Light District!_

"Um... Sure, I was done reading it anyway" he said and handed me the magazine which I once again stared at dumbfounded. _DAMN IT! I must have heard wrong... I knew it was too good to be true... Of course a hottie like him wouldn't be intrested in me..._

He raised one delicate chocolate brow at my disappointed expression when I took the magazine. I saw his confused look and quickly flashed him an overly joyed grin. That only resulted in the other one of his sexy eyebrows to rise. _Since when do I find eyebrows sexy!? But his is... I wanna lick 'em... God, I'm pathetic..._

I jumped at a sudden clearing of a throat, distracting him from his broading and from staring at the beautiful man's sexy eyebrows. He turned around to once again be confronted by the same man that he had run into outside of the shop only mere minutes ago. And he'd be damned if it wasn't the exact same people lining up behind him, glaring at him. _What the hell's wrong these people?!_

When he didn't move the man behind him raised an eyebrow at him (_But not the sexy way that the brunette had done it, that's for sure!) _but kept his silence.

"Fine, fine, fine! I'm moving!" I snarled at the man and pushed past him to stand somewhere in the middle of the lobby where I wasn't in the way.

I glanced back at the chocolate brunette goodness (_What?! Yeah, okay that sounded pretty lame but he's that yummy...) _and what I saw made me blush.

He was _**smiling**_! The most gorgeous man in the world was smiling, unsuprisingly, the most gorgeous smile in the world and it made his face, if possible, ever more _**gorgeous**_! It was a subtle and barely noticable smile but it made my body shudder none the less. It was then that my body felt a pang of jelousy as I realized that the smile was directed to the man with the annoyingly audible throat. _Grr..._ _I'm gonna slit that throat off your shoulders, bitch!! THEN let's see who gets the last 'hrmhrm'!!_

I dashed behind one of the curtains, which happened to be the underwear section, and grabbed the first best thong and got back into line. He'd be damned if he left this store without atleast getting the brunettes name. That way he could atleast track the man down and live a healthy life as a stalker... wait...

"Hello, how may I help you?"

I blinked at the deep silky voice and realized that it was already my turn. I couldn't help but blush furiously as I put the thong on the counter, waiting for the brunette to give him a scrutinizing look and laugh out loud at him. That, however, never happened. The brunette treated his newly bought merchandise the same way a clerk at the supermarket would treat a bag of chips. _Even though this isn't a bag of chips... but a thong... a black silk thong now that I look more closely at it... how embarassing..._ None the less, he found that the brunette worked very profesionally and it made Cloud stare and gape in awe.

"Do you want to pay for it in cash or credit?"

Cloud had to shake his head to snap back into reality and then started digging in his pocket after some munny. There was none. _Fuck...! This mean that I will have to take it on the card! And that means that... both Aerith and Yuffie sooner or later will see_ _what I've bought_...Me, Aerith and Yuffie all share an account togheter were we put away a couple of munny each month from all of our salaries and it's only supposed to be spent in case of an emergency. _Damn it! I... I can't go back now! Besides this is an emergency... kinda... I NEED TO GET LAID!! Okay, maybe that doesn't count as an emergency... atleast not in Aerith's ears... But it should be so what the hell, screw 'em!_

"Credit!" I said determined and slamed the card on the counter more forcefully than necessary. It made the brunette flinch slightly at the sudden movement but he recovered quickly, grabbing the card and flipped it into the machine. _I didn't really mean to scare him like that but I felt like I had to do it quickly before I changed my mind... Now it's no turning back... It's now or never!_

He handed me two reciepts and a pen and told me to write my name signature on the first one. When I was finished the brunette flashed me a smile (_Aaaah... That gorgeous, gorgeous smile...)_ and was about to hand me the bag with my thong in and probably tell me something along the lines of 'Have a good day and see you soon' but just as he opened his mouth I shoved the copy of my reciept and the pen towards the brunette who looked at it with a stumped expression.

_Now or never!_

"You don't want it?" he said carefully and eyed the blonde.

"Oh, yes I do!"

"Then why-"

"You made me write my name on the other one... So how about you write your name on this one and... Possibly... a phone number?" I said the last part carefully and it was barely audible. He was frightend that he might scare the brunette off if he came on too strong, plus that he was feeling rather nervous. _Gaaaah!! That must be the worst pickup-line in the history of bad pickup-lines! Now I've definitly made a fool out of myself..._

I felt the brunette's eyes on my face but I didn't dare to meet them, afraid of what I might find. _Most likely disgust... or fright... or humour..._

As the silence continued Cloud felt more and more like he wanted to disappear. He wanted to sink through the floor and hide under the ground.

The silence was then suddenly interrupted by a soft chuckle and I looked up to see that it was the brunettes.

"You're kinda cute. The names Leon." He said and reached his hand over the counter towards Cloud in a friendly gesture. As Cloud took the hand and shook it, probably a little more violent than necessary because of excitement, he couldn't help but smile as a fool. _He thinks I'm cute... He think's I'm cute! HE THINK'S I'M CUTE!!_

"I'm Cloud! Cloud Strife!" I said proudly and pointed a thumb in the direction of my chest as if to prove that I was talking about myself and no one else.

Leon(_What a beautiful name...)_ bent over the counter and grabbed the pen and begun to write down his name and number on the back of the reciept._ If this is a dream then __**no one**__ pinches me!_ I soon realized that as Leon bent over a bit I could see straight into his t-shirt since the collar of the shirt was rather wide and loose. I smiled, if possible, even larger. _I spy with my little eye something that starts with an L~ Is it... Leon's nipple? Why, yes! Yes it is! ~_

When he was done I quickly snatched it from the counter before Leon could change his mind about giving it to him. _'Leon Leonhart'? That's alittle strange of a name... But I who am I to judge. If I looked up 'Cloud Strife' in the phonebook I don't think I would find many matches either. Hmm... I should do that some day!_ I looked up at Leon again and flashed him a smile before I made a move for the door where I stopped abrupt and turned around.

"Hey!" I yelled loud and clear and succefully managed to get Leons attention(and probably everybody else in the store as well) back to me.

"I call you! And if I ask you out and you say yes..." I held up the bag with the thong still inside it "I... I promise to wear this for you! So... _**don't say no, okay?"**_

Time seemed to have stopped by the time I had finished the sentence. Everybody seemed to had halted what they were doing and staring at me, or maybe it was just my imagination. Leon was staring at me with wide eyes that much I was sure of and frankly that's all I cared about. After staring at me in shock for more than a couple of seconds Leon seemed to come back to his senses and smiled at me again. A little wider and more noticable than the other time. _Oooh... That gorgeous, gorgeous smile... I better make a move on it. If he flashes one more of those smiles at me I feel like I might have an orgasm..._

"I would like that"

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AN: Sooooo... What do you think? Like it? _Why?_ Dislike it? _Why?_ Love it? _Why?_ Hate it? _**Why?**_


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